Joyanne Sloan's Podcast

Welcome back!

If you've listened to my podcast for any length of time, then you know how much I love to collect and share great quotes.  Our topic this week is based on a quotation attributed to the venerable Dalai Lama who once said "Learn the rules well so you know how to break them properly."

Rule, rules… rules are everywhere and, as an inherently creative being, I for one rather enjoy the prospect of bending and breaking the rules as a necessary expression of those unique elements that make me me.  In fact, breaking the rules can be downright fun!

Rules are the spawn of the either/or paradigm because they distinguish between right and wrong.  The either/or paradigm is a mental construct that always draws a clear line between win or lose, rich or poor, live or die. But success is both, it's all and it’s complete in its imperfection.  Real success isn’t dependent on adherence to what is but upon innovation and your willingness to create what will be!

Before I go any further, I'll make one thing crystal-clear.  When I say "Break the rules", I'm not saying "Break the laws." Laws are a requisite part of our collective culture because they serve to protect.  On the other hand, rules have the capacity for misuse.  You can use them against yourself and others can also use them against you.

All you have to do is look up the origin of the word rule and you'll discover that its primary meaning is ‘to control’. Rules are principles that govern conduct and because you're rewarded for conforming to external dictates from an early age, it's quite easy to adopt a rule mentality even without your being aware of it.

It is the innate limitations of rules that limit success, joy and prosperity.  It's like being yourself but not your whole self.  So breaking the rules means claiming your birthright; the freedom to pursue your best life without restriction.

In order to do that, you'll need to learn which rules deserve to be broken, when to break them and how.  Again, I'm not suggesting illegal action.  Breaking the rules is not breaking the law.  But breaking the rules is a matter of unshackling yourself from the burden of should.  How often do you should on yourself?  And more importantly, what's the payoff?

What directing voice have you internalized and does acquiescing to that voice really serve you?  If not, would you be willing to consider that the kind of success that may elude you exists outside of the limits of the rules by which you may be living?  Would you be willing to ask yourself if following "the rules" is merely a manifestation of conditional love?  Is it to say that you will love and approve of yourself if ______ (fill in the blank) or when ­­­­_______ (fill in the blank)?

Success is not linear but chaotic, irrational, spontaneous and somewhat unpredictable.  It’s loving yourself despite the endless lists of “shouldsâ€? that run your existence. Success is almost never the result of methodical, logical reasoning.  Instead, it requires that you truly know what you and want what you're willing to do to achieve it.  Maps and well-intentioned plans are helpful but not necessary.  Plans can prevent passion and passion is a critical ingredient in your own personal recipe for success.  There are, of course, myriad ways to bake your own prosperity pie, but you must have at least three key ingredients to get there: passion, purpose and most importantly, practice.

So instead of planning for success, why not prepare yourself for who you'll need to be to claim and own your success when it arrives?  No longer will you need to avoid mistakes and detours or otherwise prevent all the possible pitfalls.  To do that is to take away the fruit of your labor, the lessons and resulting course corrections leading to the many rewards awaiting you.

Great American poet Ralph Waldo Emerson once said "Do not go where the path may lead; go instead where there is no path and leave a trail."

Here's my 7-day challenge for you:

Watch yourself like a hawk!  Take note of the times you find yourself telling your children or your friends or your loved ones what to do.  Stop yourself and discover the why beneath your demands.  What could possibly go wrong if you stopped shoulding on them and yourself?  And what could possibly go right if you listened to and honored your OWN voice; if you occupied your own seat of authority and proceeded to do WHAT you need to, WHEN you want to, and in the WAY you want to do it?

Please join me next time when I ask "How funky is your chicken?"

Until then, I leave you with abundant peace.

Is Less Really More?

Welcome back!  This week I'm venturing to answer the question "Is less really more?"  And I think it's a thought-provoking question in the sense that you may have never considered it before.  I mean let's be honest, we live in a MORE-is-better society and those of you who are oriented towards simplifying your life and making it more sustainable will no doubt encounter the more-is-better attitude.  After all… It's the American way!

And if my calling is to coach you towards greater prosperity, then I too will have to wrestle this hairy giant and expose it for what it really is.  You see, if you find your self engaged by my podcast, then chances are good that you're struggling to resolve the same scarcity consciousness that countless others are also striving to change.

A mindset based on lack is one that's all too familiar with the scarcity mantra of our time: "I never have enough time, energy, or money."  So if that's true for you, then it's quite likely that you're also living by the premise that more time, energy, and money would solve just about everything.

If you recognize yourself in those words, you may also identify yourself as exhausted.  Exhaustion is a symptom of scarcity.  It's an effect of leading your life in a way that constantly demands more of you. It's a life that expects you to do more, be more, get more and keep more.  So you stretch, strive, and struggle. And the easiest way to be unconsciously drawn into that habit is to live beneath the false burden that if you don't do it, it will never get done. It’s to suggest that you’re in control of your destiny!

And if you're REALLY being controlled by control then you're probably convinced that you, and only you, can get it "right". We've all been there, it's true.  That includes you.  And you might continue this way of being because you're encouraged by the progress, bolstered by the praise, and ever hopeful that one day, someday you're going to be in control of your life.

But have you ever noticed that you can only enjoy that sense of control for a short time before it slips through your fingers?  Why... because control is an illusion and therefore elusive.  Control is a slimy little creature that is known for its ability to crawl into the hidden chambers of your mind and begin to multiply.  It produces thoughts which are both repetitious and pernicious.  And all the thoughts have one thing in common.  They equate control with success; setting up an insatiable appetite for holding, directing and eventually constricting the vital life force within you.  Ironically, it is that very life force that constitutes the vitality that is the cornerstone of your prosperity.

You may be wondering how I arrived at this conclusion.  I'll tell you how.  It's based on the empirical evidence and experiences of my own life.  For all my listeners involved in a committed relationship, I'm sure you'll agree that there's no richer learning environment than the one afforded by your connection to another human being.  It was certainly the case in my nine-year marriage which ended in divorce.  My ex-husband was the best and hardest teacher I ever had.  He was the kind of teacher you love to hate; the kind that gives you so much homework that it assumes you've got nothing else going on in your life.

One of the most powerful and hard-won lessons I had in that marriage is what I call The 50/50 Rule. The 50/50 Rule is best applied where relationships are concerned.  That includes personal and professional relationships and everything in between.

Do you want to know the best part? The 50/50 Rule, when practiced often, will lead to more successful and satisfying relationships. Here's how it works:

Begin by thinking of a single, important relationship in your life.  Imagine a large playing field with each of you standing at opposite ends.  In the middle of the field, at precisely the halfway mark, is a pronounced line designating each of the halves of the relationship that each of you contributes.

In a balanced relationship each of you will consistently contribute your 50%, thereby meeting the other at the midpoint; coming together through intention empowered by action to establish and maintain a vibrant connection.  Of course the reality is that very few relationships in my experience are reflected in this scenario.  More often than not, one or both parties consent, even if unconsciously, to crossing that halfway mark. This happens quite naturally when changing circumstances dictate that either party must compensate for any inability on the other’s behalf.

The word I want you to pay particular attention to is ability for there will always be times in our lives when, for myriad and unanticipated reasons, you or another will quite simply lack the capacity to go halfway.

The point I'm making is this: this isn't a conversation about ability but about willingness.  Do you recognize ability in yourself and others to make equal contributions to the success of your relationship?  And more importantly, are you WILLING to allow the other to meet you in the middle?  Allowing on your part is the result of your conscious choice to surrender control.  Allowing others to show up and give what they can, when they can and in the way they can will unearth a brilliant gem.

But if you’re UNwilling to stay in your half of the field, the gemstone of surrender will remain hidden.  This happens when you step over the line, when you make a habit of doing more than is yours to do.  Overstepping the boundary of relationship is an act of double disempowerment because it robs the other of their capacity to meet you halfway.  It says "I don't believe you can."  At the same time it robs you from the time and energy you might have otherwise committed to becoming the person you’ve longed to know.

Last but certainly not least, treading upon the territory of another, in a concerted and consistent fashion, expresses doubt and gives way to unmet expectations; expectations that might have been met by another if given an opportunity.  Unmet needs and the expectations they engender are quite simply a recipe for resentment. As you may have experienced, resentment over time will forcibly erode the connections critical to maintaining any relationship.

And I hope you'll be greatly encouraged by learning that where there is risk there is also reward.  That’s to say that your willingness to hold to The 50/50 Rule will lead invariably to greater integrity.  When you hold the line again and again, you effectively protect the boundary that protects you, holds you and supports your wholeness. It allows you to bring your complete self to all of your relationships.  It will also create definition of roles at the same it creates possibility.  And… your practice of The 50/50 Rule may fundamentally challenge or alter existing relationships in a way that invites something new and different into being.

It was the celebrated poet Rumi who once wrote:

“Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing there is a field. I'll meet you there.�

My challenge for you this week is to reflect upon any relationship in which you find yourself currently struggling.  Examine the exchanges and contributions of that relationship through the prism of The 50/50 Rule.  Most importantly, give consideration to the opportunity for each of you to be empowered and fortified by doing only what you can and gratefully surrendering what you cannot.

Please join me next time when I ask "Do you know HOW to break the rules?"  Until then, I leave you with abundant peace. 

Do You Make a Good First Impression?

Welcome back! This week our topic addresses first impressions.  I think it's fair to say that we all want to make a good impression on others whether it's the first time or the hundredth time you meet. There's a lot of emphasis put on creating just the right look, the right talk and sometimes even the right walk.  I want you to think back to a time when you were getting ready for a first date.  Remember all of the primping and preening, all of the excitement and anticipation?

It's normal really... to want to be liked and loved. It's perfectly human to want and need things that other people can provide: compassion, community, security and the list goes on.  Those are not just desires but real human needs.  And when those fundamental needs go unmet, you'll find yourself motivated to meet them somehow, somewhere.

Basic needs that remain unfulfilled result in loneliness, divorce, isolation and in extreme cases are expressed in catastrophic ways such as terrorism.  Everyone shares these universal needs but we're all unique in the approach we take to satisfy our common list.

So I'm drawing a connection for you between the image you portray and the way your impact on others influences your ability to first have what you need -- and then have what you want.  At the NEED level we’re  talking about surviving and at the WANT level we’re talking about thriving.

Your needs and wants are truly compelling forces whether or not you recognize them as such. They help to fuel multi-billion dollar industries such as cosmetics, fashion, plastic surgery and even influence the automotive industry.  Guess what?  You’re not immune.  You and I and everyone listening are subject to the marketing efforts of those who may benefit from preying upon your deepest insecurities; profiting from your most internalized fears of not being good enough, thin enough, smart enough, or just simply "ENOUGH".

The point is this: all of the glitz and glamour, all of image-driven inventions and every other psychological or physical boost you can get have one thing in common.  They fail miserably at concealing the reality of who you are at the center.  Within the core of your being exists an animating life force or energy which the Chinese call 'chi'. You can’t hide your chi, even if you try.

And try we do. For example, think about the routine that most of us women adopt on a daily basis.  We put on a face, a mask or make-up.  But what are you making up for?  What's lacking?  Perhaps it’s vibrancy or vitality. As someone who's never had a cup of coffee in her life, I'm fascinated by the lengths people will go to get their morning buzz. And by the way, please don't let the fact that I don't drink coffee get around or they won't let me live in Seattle any more. Seriously though, it's a problem.  In fact there’s so much caffeine being dumped down the drains here that we have measurable level of this chemical polluting the Puget Sound.

Coffee by itself isn't evil but nor is it the answer.  It's just a Band-Aid. It's a temporary fix to an underlying problem just as countless over-the-counter medications are.  Generally speaking, they fail to address the root cause and merely serve to cover-up the symptoms. And you learn to rely on this remedial approach just to get you through the day instead of tending to the source of what ails you.

But underneath the quick-fix is you. Just below the surface is someone who's not getting their basic needs met.  And when that happens, you send a message to yourself and to others.  It's nothing less than a value statement about what matters most to you.  Do you do that?  Do you keep on keeping on and deny yourself, refusing to provide the basic elements that constitute that animating force within you?

We've all done it but you don't have to continue living like that.  Exercise your power of choice and lend integrity to the essential you within you. For it is that self that deserves to be uncompromised and resilient; to be substantial, sustainable and entirely capable of taking on all the responsibilities of the life before you.

Our inspirational quote this week comes from yours truly.  It's short and fun and worth writing down and taping it to your bathroom mirror.  Ready?  Here it is:

"My chi precedes me!"

And how true it is!  I don't care how you look or what you say to make a good first impression because people will look right past that.  Other people, just like you, are masters at seeing behind the disguise to read your energy, your life force and brilliance.  Remember this: people don't remember what you said, but how you made them feel.

So my challenge to you this week is to pay attention to the situations in which you can exercise your right to choose your mental and physical integrity over a hollow remedy.

It takes awareness and conviction to restate and affirm your SELF as that which is entitled to nourishment and honor, reward and worship.

Please join me next time when I ask "Is less really more?"

Until then, I leave you with abundant peace.